Two men in matching maroon shirts with yellow trim, sunglasses, and mustaches pose with arms crossed in front of a desert landscape with cacti.

Modern Baseball Is Soft.

We Fix That.

You have been lied to. They told you baseball was about "launch angles," "spin rates," and keeping your uniform clean. They replaced batting cages with iPad stations and replaced actual coaching with "positive reinforcement." The modern game is soft, sterilized, and run by accountants who have never taken a fastball to the ribs.

We are the antidote. Operating out of a condemned strip mall parking lot in the unforgiving heat of Scottsdale, Arizona, Deadball Academy is the only instructional facility currently banned by the Cactus League for "gross negligence" and "encouraging athletes to smoke between innings." While the pros down the street enjoy air-conditioned dugouts and hydration specialists, our students are learning the fundamentals of 1919: psychological warfare, infield intimidation, and sliding with malice in your heart.

We don't have a medical staff; we have a rusty garden hose behind the equipment shed. Our uniforms aren't moisture-wicking; they are designed to retain sweat as a punishment for failure. If you are looking for a "safe space" to develop your skills, go join a country club. If you want to learn how to ethically bean a batter to send a message, you belong to us now."

The Tapes They Tried To Ban

These instructional videos were rejected by the American Baseball Coaches Association for "promoting gross negligence" and "inciting violence."

We call them the blueprint for stardom. Watch the techniques that "legitimate" coaches are too cowardly to teach, like how to intentionally destabilize a catcher or how to intimidate an umpire using only body odor.

Disclaimer: Do not attempt these drills if you wish to remain insured.

The Cactus League Rejected Us.

While the pros are down the street at Salt River Fields enjoying "air conditioning" and "medical staff," we are in the desert heat doing drills that were outlawed in 1919.

We don't teach launch angles. We teach how to slide into second base with malice in your heart. At Deadball Academy, we believe the only metric that matters is Grit Per Inning (GPI).

Black and white side-by-side photos of two men with intense expressions. The man on the left, in a baseball helmet and uniform, appears to be shouting or in a moment of high emotion. The man on the right, wearing a hat with a feather, is smoking and in a contemplative pose.

Meet the Disciplinarians

  • A man wearing sunglasses and a maroon shirt with 'Deadball Academy' embroidered on it, sitting at a desk with a baseball bat across his lap. Behind him on the wall is a bulletin board with maps, photos, and red string connecting various points, suggesting a crime or conspiracy board. There is a bottle of alcohol, a ashtray with cigarettes, a landline phone, and papers on the desk. The photo is dated October 26, 1985.

    Coach Randy

    INFIELD VIOLENCE

    "A shortstop shouldn't have hands. He should have calluses shaped like hands."

  • A man in a maroon and yellow football jacket and cap labeled 'Deadball Academy' stands in front of chalkboards, pointing at diagrams and notes related to cheating in sports, notably 'bribe the ump' and 'the ghost runner illegal'.

    Coach Jawn

    HYDRATION DENIER

    "Water makes you weak. Drink the dust."

  • A smiling elderly man with a beard, wearing a vintage baseball jacket and a cap reading 'Deadball Academy', stands outside a tent with a sign that says 'Infirmary - Cash Only'. He holds a spoon with a dark substance, and bottles and a mortar and pestle labeled 'Desert Rub' are on a nearby table.

    Coach Meat

    UNLICENSED TRAINER

    “If it helps you win, use it. I miss the Steroids Era. We should bring that back.”

Man wearing sunglasses and a white T-shirt with a skull wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses, with two crossed baseball bats behind it, outdoors.

MANDATORY EQUIPMENT

Coach Randy screenprinted these in his basement in the mid-90s. We’re trying to raise cash to purchase more performance-enhancing “potions” for our prospects. We occasionally auction off Deadball Academy artifacts and instructional VHS tapes. Keep your eyes peeled for those.

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Really Real Testimonials

  • "Coach Randy said my batting stance was 'communist propaganda.' For punishment, I had to carry two cinderblocks around the outfield perimeter while he threw pebbles at my ankles to 'improve my agility.' I can't feel my legs, but my fear of failure has never been higher."

    'Squeaky' Pete, Non-existent Power Hitter

  • "Coach Randy replaced our batting cage time with a mandatory seminar on how to hide foreign objects in your uniform to avoid detection by umpires. I spent 45 minutes learning the aerodynamics of a concealed roofing nail. My hitting has not improved, but my fear of TSA checkpoints has skyrocketed."

    Gary L., Perpetual Benchwarmer

  • "I am now legally considered missing in three states."

    Timmy G., Scared Utility Infielder